Tuesday, September 6, 2011

An Exercise in Faith

To my loyal blog followers: First, I would like to apologize for neglecting my blog for so long. No, I did not fall off the face of the planet. The last four weeks have been a crazy rollercoaster. While I have thought about writing often, I have not been able to pull my thoughts together enough to put together a coherent post.

Second, if this post seems incoherent (or if I seem completely off my rocker), please bear with me. I am NOT off my rocker – I am simply marching to the beat of Another. Anyway, I am still in the process of sorting things out. However, I am happy to report that I am no longer on the edge of a nervous breakdown! :) I know that those of you who have spoken to me over the past month or so (parents and grandparents especially!!) will be happy to know that I can now talk to you without breaking down in tears. At least for the moment, until the next crisis rears its head. :)

And now, to get to the substance of this post…

Never assume. I assumed that returning to school as a 2L would be a piece of cake. With one year of law school under my belt, I should be a pro, right?!? Unfortunately, the beginning of this school year has proven more daunting than I had anticipated. 2L has definitely arrived with its own challenges that seem even scarier than last year. As Dr. Strange has commented, “last year, it was the fear of the unknown – not knowing what to expect. This year, it’s the fear of the known and of what is required of me.” It all began when I became eligible for Law Review...

Most people would jump at the chance to be on Law Review. It's considered the "elite club" of law school, and is practically a necessity if you want a judicial clerkship or to work at a big law firm (and with a starting salary of $160,000, who wouldn't want to work for a big firm???). Honestly, though, I dreaded becoming eligible. As a member of a Moot Court team, I was concerned about the additional workload that being on Law Review would entail. Additionally, I'm beginning to feel tired after years of cramming my schedule and never saying "no." Secretly, I hoped that my grades wouldn’t be good enough so I wouldn’t have to make the decision.

As I struggled with my decision about Law Review, one thing became very clear. My primary motivation was based on the fear that turning it down would ruin my career. However, I knew that basing a decision on fear was unwise. 

Proverbs 16:3-4 - Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed. The Lord works out everything for His own ends - even the wicked for a day of disaster.

So, after four weeks of tears, lots of prayer, and talking to nearly everyone that I trust, I declined the invitation to join Law Review. I based my decision on the knowledge that my God is bigger than Law Review - and He certainly doesn't need it on my resume to accomplish His purposes. So, I put my future career in His hands, and took a direction completely contrary to earthly wisdom. Yes, it's scary, but at the same time it's also incredibly exciting to see what the Lord will do with what I lay on the altar.

With that decision behind me, I faced the beginning of school. I don't think I have ever felt such a sense of dread in my entire life. Law school is an incredibly stressful place – for me, more culturally than academically. Although I placed my career at the feet of Christ when I turned down Law Review, I still struggle with a terrible fear that I will be unemployed. The mentality in law school makes it very easy to be sucked into thinking that if I don’t everything a “certain” way, I will be completely unemployable. Unfortunately, many of my core values are contrary to those of the legal profession, and I'm beginning to realize that I can't blend into the crowd anymore. The fear of being a pariah again (hello, high school) has reared its ugly head.

In the midst of these thoughts and feelings, I have come to the following realizations (similar to my “resolutions” from last year):

1.     I keep reminding myself that I am exactly where God wants me to be. I know without a doubt that He called me into the legal profession.

2.     God did not drop me off in Waco and forget about me. These days, I cling to the fact that He is trustworthy. Even when my life feels out of control, He is still in control. And when He closes doors, He is leading me to another one that is open. While I don’t know what it is right now, it’s out there.
(Now, if I could just get my feelings to cooperate in being patient and trusting His timing…)

3.     Finally, I do love what I am studying. The law is so practical, and impacts our lives in so many different ways. Even if I never make a single dime practicing law, I won’t care – give me a home office and people to write wills for, and I will be content. :) While I may not enjoy the culture all the time, the subject matter is interesting. Additionally, when I graduate, I will have a practical skill that I can use to serve others.

Well, that is all for now…I’m sure there will be more posts on this subject in the future, but I think this one has gotten long enough. For now, I hope you have a marvelous Labor Day weekend! I’m celebrating by getting a haircut, running a 15K, and getting out of Waco for FOUR DAYS!! (I may have skipped a class to do so…and I may be showing up – or by this time, have shown up – on a certain Strange girl’s doorstep unannounced…SHHH!!!) More on that later!
Before I close, allow me to leave you with a departing though
“Our greatest fear as individuals and as a church should not be of failure, but of succeeding at things in life that don’t really matter.”                       - 
Tim Kizziar


  1. I love this post. and I love you! You are awesomesauce!

  2. Hey Girl. Great post! I didn't know you were struggling so much - im glad things are getting better. Just remember - you are incredible!! Don't listen to the requirements of those silly lawyer people - they're just jealous of your amazing awesomeness!! :) Much love <3